Friday, May 8, 2015

"Imposter Syndrome"

No matter what I achieve or accomplish, I am never able to feel comfortable admitting to being successful at anything. Perhaps this is just part of being an artist, since it seems to be an offshoot of perfectionism. But I have to wonder occasionally if there will ever come a time when I will be able to look at the things I've done and feel a sense of genuine pride. As it stands right now, I see most of my successes as the result of people taking pity on me, or just dumb luck. I always find a way to disqualify anything good that I do.

Does it ever end? Is there any conceivable point I could reach where I could accept that I legitimately did a good job? I've asked myself many times, but I can never settle on an answer. I don't think there's any accomplishment that I couldn't disqualify somehow. I'd almost say I have a talent for it. The greater the praise, the more I think the world has gone crazy. You ask me to explain why I did something well, I'll be wishy-washy as hell, but ask me to shoot it all down and I turn meticulous as a fucking lawyer. If only I were so determined to disqualify my perceived shortcomings.

Maybe it just takes practice. And not in a Stuart Smalley kind of way, because baseless positive thinking is bullshit. All I know is that I don't really feel like going through my life believing every good thing that I achieve is an accident. Because if that's the case, I've been flogging myself like a mule over the past several years for nothing.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, just saw this post of yours. I truly hope you still don't feel this way. I came across your art by way of CDO. I then saw your artwork in a book on gothic art and loved it. Keep up the awesome work.

    Best wishes,